What is Love
by higurashis
Summary: [KagKik] Because, an 'I'm sorry' does not and will not ever fix what has long since been broken. [Angst, Hurt/Comfort]


**NOTE: **Hello, back again with another fic. Much like my last one, Orlando. This one was also written while having a song on repeat, '**What is Love**' by **V. Bozeman** (_Empire Soundtrack_). Originally, I started writing this with InuKag in mind but the idea I had wasn't working so halfway through I scrapped it and made this angsty KagKik, which is also, heavily modernized. Also, never written for Kikyou before so I hope I did her justice and feel free to leave comments to tell me your thoughts!

* * *

_Buzz_

_Buzz_

_Buzz_

Not the first thing a university student wants to hear while in the middle of finishing their senior thesis, but alas. Kagome ignored it the first time and the second time and the third time but the fourth time.. oh, whoever was calling her phone while it was set to send all missing calls the following lovely message: _trying to graduate this thing called school, please don't_ … well, they had better be dying or already dead.

Fixated on her goal – a seventy-two hour deadline to finish on time, "hello," spoken monotony – all deadpanned sighs as her fingers are still typing away at the keyboard, aremathic may have not been this young women's but if there was one thing little miss Higurashi could do and that was bullshit any form of writing assessment.

"Hey," dragged out longer than needed at the end. Its hot and breathy, in the voice's throat.

Fingers stop tapping the keyboard. She is dumbfounded, she is shocked but only for a second. Posture is readjusted, head is turned from side to side; allowing both her neck and hair to relax. She could do this, she was over this, but she was not expecting _her_ of all people to call at a time like this.

"Well, what an umpleasnet surprise," fingertips raise to position her air pods in firm place in her ears, she dares not hold her phone in her hands – fear of tossing it in anger or spite, but no. This paper had to be written, she mused.

Snark and sarcasm drip from Kagome's tone, she is beyond not in the mood for whatever shit _she_ is trying to pull. Still, her chair starts spinning by habit, absentmindly as one leg raises from the floor to curl and tuck under herself. This was going to be a conversation she wanted no parts of and yet here she was, akin to a puppet standing before deaths door.

"Hello to you too, Kagome. Been awhile."

"Hello, Kikyou—"

Cutting off the other women before she has time to say anything else, Kikyou needs to let it out, needs to get this ache off her chest before it literally breaks her heart. She hurt Kagome in the worst way, she knows she fucked up but is it so wrong for her to want to make up? Was it so wrong of her to want to fix what she had broken? "Can we talk?"

"No, in the fuck we cannot."

All spit-fired is her tongue, her words as needles, wanting to pierce her former lover with every letter, every syllable that passes her lips. "_I know you can read, I am trying to finish my thesis, now if you'll leave me the fuck alone, bitch_." Kagome is tired, she tired of this months ago… so _why_, why was she back? And why in the fuck did it have to be now of all times?

"Kaggy, _please_."

"Don't you fucking, '_Kaggy please_' me," That nickname would break her but Kagome was stronger than that. Words did not mean anything if your actions could never back them up

"We _need_ to talk." Did she not hear the sheer desperation in her voice? The clear, honest intentions that she wanted to make things, right? She just had to talk, just let her say her few words.

_Please let me talk_

_Please let me talk_

_Please let me talk_

"Kikyou, ten seconds."

"I'm serious!"

Kagome looks at her phone once more in disbelief. Long had she stopped hearing keyboard clicking. Thesis far from her mind, now. Dainty manicured nails move to save her work, "ugh," she sighs. Her room is silent, all can be heard is the closing of her textbooks, and the soft glow of a lamp tucked away in the corner of her desk. A hand is slightly closed, tucking under her chin to, while her elbow is cushioned by her knee; while her phone is held in the other, open-palmed. Her stare is expressionless – looking at her smart device but also far gone, lost in a sea of memories. Currently, is she, drowning in an ocean: a water-less baptism from which she thought sins had long gotten cleansed.

"Seven seconds. What do you want?"

This was Kikyou's chance! Her stomach was doing flops, the once butterflies she had whenever she would speak to _her_ Kaggy had now turned into an intense hellfire. Breath catching in her throat, she dare not utter sacrilege against her /once/ beloved. It just wouldn't do, but what could she say? How do you begin a conversation that you had played out in your head thousands and thousands of times before ( time had become as an anomaly to her when it came to this subject ): Kikyou was closed off, distant, a bit of a cold-shoulder, and often was she told her aura was hollowed ( more empty shell or ghostlike than girl ).

"I wish to apologize," Words not flattering, thank the Gods! Still, her palms where shaking. Unable to even hold her cell in her hands it was perched1 onto her lap, as she sat cross-legged in her candlelit bedroom. Kikyou could compare herself to an enigma – more half than whole, and she always did her best thinking during dusk, her beauty and wit best reflected during the hours of an oxymoron akin to herself: the glowing embers of twilight.

"For breaking my heart or for being an utterly careless asshole?"

The only thing her mouth could do was go through the motions of speaking and yet, no words came out. A woman of few words who made them all count, usually. Language was her traitor, again she tried and tried to vocalize what both head and heart where screaming. '_breath, just breath_' she silently thought to herself, "I… I am so so so sorry…"

And the response given? Calm and collected breathing. Rapidly does Kagome's foot bounce up and down, her blood has begun to boil. She'd been through this before and she had promised herself that she was not going to do this again. Heartbreak was a very fickle thing and that day… she can recall crystal clear. It shattered in her chest and fell to the pit of her stomach; throat was dry and all she could do is cry and yet she was just supposed to accept a simple apology? A mere and lackluster: _I'm sorry?_

"I said it before and I will say it again, Kikyou, the words: '_im sorry_' do not and will not fix everything."

"…The first thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up – is you. The only thing I think about at work… at work and in class and walking down the street, any monotonous task I do or even think; it always leads me to you."

"Kikyou…"

"Just hear me out, _please_," Samsung device had been moved from her lap and was quickly being shifted in her palms between her left and right ear. Her words a ragged tremor that can be felt from lips that usually sound nothing less than the smoothest of velvets, "I'm ready," It is soft, it is hushed but holds more convections and sounds like the Kikyou that the world usually saw – all strong-willed and diamond teeth.

"Excuse me?" Head tilting to the side in disbelief but she refuses, she must have heard wrong… yes that must be the case, right? "Come again?" Absentmindly the barer of the Higurashi surname twirls a lock of her hair. Perplexed by what the women on the other end of the line had just uttered.

"I'm ready to come out, I'm ready to tell the world who I am. I'm ready to tell Kaede, my friends, _our friends_, my coworkers, and whoever else my Kaggy wants me to tell. I don't care anymore… I don't care. I just want my Kaggy back and on another level: I need my Kaggy back. I don—I don't care. All I care about is you, Kagome."

The eldest daughter of one of Japan's oldest existing families, going far back as the feudal era. There where expectations placed upon Kikyou before she was even born, both as the heir to her ancient legacy and as a woman. She was to be everything society wanted her to be ( everything that a man wanted her to be ):

Quiet

Graceful

Beautiful

To uphold traditions and be perfect. A dainty little shrine maiden that would be married off when she came of age and finished her university studies ( said studies serving no purpose to her ): as the moment she was to be wed, the rest of her life would be spent barefoot, pregnant, and a husband making all the decisions for her… something she did not ever envision for herself. This façade of perfect little poised womanhood was damned. Kikyou wanted more out of life, to be ordinary, to love who she wished and live a life without all the rituals and fixings and trimmings.

Deep down, she wished she could be like Kagome. Perhaps that is what drew them together to begin with ( but, it was also what drew the two maidens apart. )

"—It's too late."

"What?" No '_I forgive you_' no '_I understand_'? Her heart was pouring out, not just to her sleeve but the tips of her fingers. Cold shiver now makes the hair on her neck stand on end. Kikyou's world was crashing down once again. But she apologized, she was admitting her wrong, for hurting the woman who has spent the past few months coming into every thought and making her presence known in my mind every chance she got – without even trying.

Eyes are red and puffy. Kagome's face as flushed – a mix of sadness and anger, yet her voice was unwavering, "I tried... I tried, Kiki. I really _really_ fucking tried," cheeks are stained from her tears.

"I know, Kagome!" why was she the one screaming, this wasn't meant to be an argument, this was meant to be something good… for once she just wanted something good to come out of her life, out of them, "I know how hard you tried. I'm asking… I'm begging you to try just a little bit harder, Kaggy.

"I tried my hardest, shit! You don't think I wasn't fucking trying as hard as you can for another person? But, like? Girl, I lost myself in you, I lost myself trying to please you, bitch! Nothing I did was ever good enough but fuck it, I am Kagome! KA-GO-ME! And that very well means something, dammit! I was always trying to make you happy—but I couldn't, could I? Like sorry, it took you walking away from me ( _for the final time_ ): for me to really see how much you took from me."

Love, rage, bitter anger, and every other emotion Kagome had tried to keep bottled up inregards to this situation had now fit the forefront and was attacking the other woman, _hard_. Spitting all sacrilege from her ruined throat, "but honestly?" Again, she pauses; words caught between a past she tossed aside and a future she was (un)sure that she had no desire for anymore.

"I'm not even sure why you're calling me because if I recall and I quote: 'I was nothing more than a little experiment.' Just a means to be an 'ordinary woman in the twenty-first century' Because every girl is allowed a 'phase', right?"

"I know… I know. I said a lot of things, a lot of cruel and mean things. A lot of hurtful things and I apologized but you have to understand—you _have_ to understand that I _truly_ did not mean _any_ of it,"

"Firstly, ma'am I do not have to believe not a fucking word that falls out of your little miss perfect mouth. And, secondly, but you did though! You meant every single word. Every single damn word, every single fucking syllable, and every single letter. You meant everything you said, because that is who you are, Kikyou! You do not say or do something that your entire being is not poured into—your best and worst trait."

Her head lowers, phone slipping from hands, hitting the floor. The words aimed at her baring truths she cannot deny, but she was being honest. She had been lost, confused… just wanted a way out but she found something beautiful, something amazing, and she did not want to lose, Kagome, again.

"—You didn't say it out of temporary spite, because you weren't thinking clearly, you said that shit to hurt me, to fucking break me! Wish I was a mirror, so you could've seen the look on your face. The anger in your eyes, Kikyou! You hated me—for everything that I was, for the fact I showed you who you really where! That you loved a woman more than you'd ever loved a man."

It cracks, her convictions and strong-will finally break. This heiress was broken down and there was nothing-more she could do. A mere moth to a flame, her very existence was hanging in the balance was hanging upon the lips of another woman.

( Kagome embodied everything that she was not: a young and wild uncaged bird. )

"…I'm sorry… I'm sorry, I was upset," fingers tug on her hair as if she is pulling teeth. Hard, rough, and unchained, "…I was confused of the uncertainty, I was scared. At the time, but I've had plenty of time…plenty of time to think about it and you're right—you're _completely_ right."

Kagome had always been the stronger of the two of them.

Kagome had always been the most understanding— ( the most accepting and nonjudgmental. )

"—You showed me my truth, Kagome. You showed me who I really am and," she pauses. Trying to regain even an ounce of composure, "…I'm ready to be free, with _you_, as _us_, against everything, so please—"

"Kikyou, all offense: what the hell does that have to do with me?" She should be the one crying, she should be the one being left alone, but no no no! This soul-sucking woman always came back to toy with her and ruin her more. Kiki hurt _her_, so why did she have to take her back?

( Again and again and again and again )

Where was the salvation for Kagome? When could she finally be free of the cage Kikyou always tried to keep her in? Date's could only happen in the most '_natural_' of settings. Everything had to be played as if they where just really good friends—'_gal pals_' and not lovers with ( what she thought at the time ) a blossoming romance to last a lifetime.

All the sacrifices that she made for her. Did none of that matter? All her _effort _and _anguish_ and _tears_ at being called a girlfriend but not a girlfriend—but now, the bitch isn't suddenly confused and excepts Kagome to take her back, like always? Not this time, because neither _time_ nor an infinite amount of '_im sorry_' can heal all her wounds. Her phone was being held by a vice grip, squeezing as if the physical strength could be felt through the rectangular device. Why didn't she just ignore the call, her thesis still had to be finished but because Kikyou wanted to talk, Kagome had to put her life and hobbies and interests on indefinite pause, to please her, like fucking always.

"Congratulations, you're gay, here's a fucking cookie," Her spite was showing, and Kagome could not care. Breathing uneven, not due to lateen emotions but an overjoy of krama finally aiding her to bite Kikyou in the ass for all the hell she had put her through. The love she had for Kikyou was still there… but it was buried deep down and locked away. She had to be strong right now, Kagome had to let her go if she was to ever find peace on this matter, "—If you want to be free, ta-da, Kiki, you're free."

"—But that's the thing," Teardrops hit her lap without end. Her voice as a mirror, shattered into hundreds of pieces, this is not what she had envisioned in her countless shower conversations to herself on the matter. Granted, she did not expect to have Kagome welcoming her back with open arms, but this? This was… cold, "I can't… I can't be free without you. I cannot live, I cannot breathe. Kagome, I cannot exist without you, I need you, _Kaggy, please_. I am so _sorry—_"

"Stop apologizing, Kiki! Do you even have the dimmest idea of what you're sorry for?" She breaths to calm her, she didn't want to argue, but her ex-lover was making it difficult. Again, Kikyou was persistent. Her best and worst trait.

"That's why it didn't work, Kiki. All you know is that you hurt me in the _worst ways_ and that it's eating you alive. But you don't know how or why. One of the many things, that I've learned on my own since we spilt, officially, for the last time," She had to make it known that they weren't getting back together. Friends in the very distant future, perhaps. But, a relationship of that end? Wouldn't be happening long as Kagome drew breath. "…Is that I, was never yours. When I was yours. You didn't stay awake at night thinking of me. You didn't run across campus to talk to me or make a fool out of yourself, ever. You where always you—dainty, elegant, and proper."

Kagome needed this. To let it all out and truly put this all behind her.

"You didn't know my favorite color ( _and you still do not_ ). You didn't know what inner demons kept me awake at night, unable to sleep. Hell, even if you'd notice that the bags under my eyes where heavy from restless slumbers: you, Kikyou, _never questioned_, _never commented_. When something bothered me and I was _clearly_ upset, you, again, never knew what to say, not that you could've, because you didn't and still don't know me, Kiki. Due to the simple fact that we never actually talked about anything, important or with real meaning that actual couples discuss. You never knew anything about me, that any other person that knows me, wouldn't care to know."

She giggles, an outright laugh clears the air. Its awkward and unsettling, but it means that this uncaged bird can remain what she is: free. "From all this, Kiki. I know that you could've _never_ loved me, for me."

"That's not true, Kagome! I did and will always love you," Why was she yelling? Arguing wasn't going to bring the two of them together as one again but she just needed her Kaggy to know how sorry she was, really!

"Kikyou, I swear if you fucking apologize again, I will hang up this damn phone! No, you didn't! Love doesn't and shouldn't hurt! You where just a scared, confused little girl who was tired of being everything that society expected her to be. You where tired of being alone and you just so happened to cross paths with another little girl who had absolutely no idea what kind of person you really where, what she was getting herself into and here the fuck we are, nearly four years later, because, finally _finally_, the puppeteer realizes that your puppet was the only thing that ever gave a flying fuck about you for who you actually where, Kikyou the person and not the heiress or the perfect women. Just you as a wonderfully lost human being."

"Kaggy, you weren't my puppet. I wasn't tired of the expectations placed upon me. I wanted to be an ordinary woman, like you. How can you even insinuate that I was alone? I've constantly had people around me, my entire life, Kagome! How could you even try and say you know how that feels? How I feel about you?"

"Oh, so even the mighty get lonely at the top? I was just a little plaything you grew tired of using and tossed away, but it just so happens that I am valuable and that I have meaning, for a change? For, once, I'm not just something you can discard without a second thought. But, here's the thing about us valuable people. You have to realize there worth, before we do. Take care of yourself, Kikyou."

"No, Kagome, _please…_"

The only thing that can be heard is hard sniffles and the faint sounds of a phone call being disconnected. Kikyou's nails dig into her forehead as she tries to stop her tears and hurting heart. Now, she understands but it's too late. How it feels to have your heartbroken by the one you love the most.

"Kag… Kagome, I'm so sorry…"

However, an '_I'm sorry_' does not and will not ever fix what has long since been broken.


End file.
